It'll Never Work
by Typo Goblin
Summary: Urahara and Yoruichi encounter a new enemy threatening both the real world, and Soul Society. Things get odd when they find out that the enemy may be closer to home than they realize. *Bleach and characters belong to Tite Kubo* *Onishi belongs to me*
1. It'll Never Work

With a soft rustle, the body under the blanket moved slightly. The sun settling on the futon shimmered as the dust in the air settled. There was a yawn and a soft mewling noise as two arms appeared from beneath the blanket, stretching over head. Coming back down again, they pushed down the blanket. Yoruichi opened her luminous eyes and blinked against the sunlight. She basked in the morning light, curling up into the blankets and closing her eyes again. So peaceful....

"YORUICHI!" A pitiful, stuffed up voice sounded from the other room, making her groan. "I'm -dying-.." The voice whined. With a growl of annoyance, she rolled from the futon and walked into the next room. Urahara lay on his bed, a sea of used tissues strewn about him. He turned to face her when she came in. "It's about ti-" Then gawked at the woman. He immediately threw a pillow over his eyes. "Put some clothes on, woman! I'm sick, I can't stand the sight of you like that!"

She rolled her eyes and glanced around, grabbing the closest article of clothing. His green overcoat, draped over the foot of his bed. She slid it on and pulled the front closed around her. "I'm sorry the sight of me sickens you."

He peeked one eye out from behind the pillow. "Oh, it isn't that. I just can't do anything about it when I'm like this." Although she couldn't see it, she could tell he was grinning, seeing one eyebrow waggling at her. "And with you wearing that, I could just-" He was immediately silenced by the deadly glare that sliced to him immediately as she walked around to begin collecting his tissues.

"You're pathetic. All you have is a little cold. You act like you're dying, making the four of us wait on you hand and foot, closing down the shop. Disgraceful." She shook her head, purple hair falling about her face as she leaned over.

"Oooooooo...." She heard from behind her. Immediately, her head snapped to the side. Despite being sick, he managed to look away before she caught him, whistling innocently. She finished picking up the tissues and left him a new box.

Quietly, she left the room, her keen hearing picking up his soft whimpering at her departure. She rolled her eyes and headed to the kitchen. This early, the three employees would be sleeping with the shop closed. She disposed of the tissues and put on a kettle of water for tea. A glass of milk for herself on the tray with his tea and she walked back to his room.

She shouldn't be doing this, she told herself. Pampering him the way she was. It wouldn't help things. He would grow used to it, expect it even. Oh well, he already did. She set the tray down, nursing the milk as she sat cross-legged on a chair beside his bed. He weakly reached for the teacup, his hand shaking.

"Oh stop that." She murmured, eyes downcast, watching the milk swirl in the glass. He rolled his eyes and the hand steadied, taking up the tea. He sat up himself, looking at her from the corner of his eye. He was an odd sight without his usual get up. His clear eyes unhidden by his hat, hair pushed aside without it. He looked much nicer when his hair wasn't in his eyes, hiding them away. Bare chested, one could see that he still kept up his body. Toned and hard, he was a man that wasn't to be messed with. Unless you were Yoruichi.

"You're amazingly quiet this morning. You must really be sick if you can't think of your usually annoying comments." She murmured, taking another small sip of milk, savoring each drop. The cat in her was hard to shake even when in human form.

"Thank you for recognizing." He said, raising his nose slightly. He took a sip of the tea. "Ginseng? Ginseng?!"

"I do believe that is what the box said." She said, hoping to placate him.

"I hate ginseng!" He whined.

"Then why did you buy it?" It was like reasoning with a two year old. You just had to stump them.

He opened his mouth, then closed it again and was quiet for a few moments. "I don't know." "Then this will teach you to not buy it again. Drink it. It will help your stuffy nose." As if on cue, he sniffled. She rolled her eyes. She was sure he was sick, but not nearly as much as he was playing the illness up to be. "Do you think you'll open the shop tomorrow?"

"Maybe...if I'm feeling better." He enjoyed being waited on.

"You'll be feeling better." She assured him, setting down her empty glass.

"I will?" He asked, cocking his head to the side.

"You will. No one will wait on you tomorrow. You'll get better." She continued.

He pouted, giving her puppy dog eyes. "You would leave me alone and helpless?"

"Your hair is clean and your sheets don't smell dirty when you move. That must mean you bathed. Since you didn't ask anyone for help yesterday, I can only assume that you took one last night before going to bed. You can't be that sick."

He sighed and waved a hand. "You caught me."

"Of course I did." She picked up the tea cup and glass, placed the carefully back on the tray and stood. She was at the door before she heard the voice behind her.

"It's the only way I get to spend real time with you. You're always flitting off to help some cause, or out hunting mice. Is it really so bad to just sit and talk with me?"

Yoruichi paused at the door. She stood there silently for a few moments. "If I thought it was such a horrible situation...would I have come when you called this morning? Or the morning before?" She pointed out, continuing on her way to the kitchen.

Urahara laid back with a 'hmph.' Women. So hard to understand. He was sick. Wasn't it supposed to be in their instincts to nurture and heal? Maybe there was something wrong with the lovely Yoruichi?

Maybe there was something wrong with the man? Why would he think such a thing? They had been friends for...centuries. She lived with the man. He must be stupid. That was certainly the only reasoning she could come up with for such behavior.

She returned a short time later, sitting down beside him again. She folded up the damp cloth in her hands and leaned over to place it over his forehead. Urahara jumped and his eyes fluttered open.

"I didn't hear you come back in." He admitted.

"Of course not. Did you forget who I was?"

"Nope. How could I?" He grinned.

"And with that...I'm going to go change." She swiftly rose from her sitting position and stepped back outside. Not a minute later, a black cat sauntered into his room. She sat down on her haunches beside him once more.

"Aww.." He pouted.

"What's wrong with you now?" She asked, her voice now masculine.

"It's disappointing is all. You look so stunning in my haori."

Yoruichi laid down, resting her head on her paws. "Mm, I bet it is. I'll tell you what...when you get better, I'll put it back on."

He scratched behind her left ear. "Deal."

"Yoruichi-Chan!!" She could hear his voice from the other end of the shop. She was basking out on the front step, warming herself in the sun. Her body took the shape of a horseshoe, exposing as much of her side to the sun as she could. The tip of her tail flicked every so often.

"Ah, there you are!" Urahara swept his arms wide and bent down to sweep her into his arms, snuggling her close to his chest and nuzzling the top of her head with his cheek. "I'm all better! Thanks to your constant care and motherly warmth."

She struggled in his arms, claws digging into his chest for some sort of leverage.

"Ow, ow, ow!" He set her down and rubbed at his chest. "That wasn't nice. I'm still recovering. You should be nicer to me." He chastised. "Besides, you made a certain promise...." He grinned, slipping off the green haori he usually wore.

"I was hoping you were so delusional with fever that you would forget that." She grumbled, licking at her paw demurely.

"Of course not! I have the memory of an elephant." With the garment hanging from one finger, he waggled it slightly. "A promise is a promise!"

She grumbled. "Fine, toss it inside. And don't peek."

He did so and slid closed the door to the shop after her. He heard a rustling and the door slid back open again. He looked her over, the haori wrapped around her body tightly. Her hair was loose, falling down her back. Waggling his brows, he leaned against the door frame and met her eyes.

"Hey sexy. How about a kiss?" He puckered his lips and smooched.

"You're a pervert."

"So?" He asked, blinking at her.

"Respectable women don't go around kissing perverted old men."

"Respectable women don't make deals that end in them showing off their bodies in said perverted old men's clothes either."

She rolled her eyes and gave him a small peck. "We're out of milk." She said, turning abruptly and walking away.

"Who's fault is that?!" He called after her pointedly, completely unsatisfied with the kiss.

She stopped and looked over her shoulder at him. "Mine. But, the fact still remains that we are out of milk." With that, she dropped the haori from her shoulders and disappeared down the hall.

"Tease!" He yelled. Then, giving a soft yip of surprise, spun around quickly to confront whoever it was that had tapped him on the shoulder. He brought a hand to his chest and flipped open his fan to air himself.

"My dear Onishi Taichou. You almost gave me a heart attack. I'm recovering from a sickness you know." He said in a pathetic attempt to perhaps gain some more attention.

"Sorry." Katsumi said with a grin that suggested she wasn't completely sorry. "Got a bit of time?" She asked, raising a slim brow. "There's something I would like to discuss with you."

He looked over her shoulder on one side, then the other. "Where is your ailing husband?"

"Ailing more than usual today." She smiled.

"Alright I hope."

"Oh yes, just another attack. He'll be fine." She assured him.

"Mm...well in that case, I suppose I could help. I have nothing better to do. Come in. Have some tea." He offered, leading her inside and to one of the back rooms.

Sitting down across from her at the low table, he poured her a cup and passed it over. "What can I do for you?"

"There's an assassin hunting Shinigami and we're having a hard time finding him. He's using a technique we've never seen before. Well, a technique 'they' haven't seen before. I'm quite familiar with it." She began. "It began with a routine Hollow hunt. While the Shinigami were distracted by the Hollow, a few of them simply died. Died of sword wounds. They hadn't even been touched by the Hollow. At first, they assumed it was a hidden talent of that particular Hollow. However, when it happened again, on two more occasions, unrelated in squad, Hollow characteristics or location, we realized that it wasn't actually a Hollow attacking. I haven't mentioned it, but I believe that this assassin is using something close to the effect my Bankai has on me. Using a split realm to attack us."

Turning serious as he had a way of doing when business popped up, Urahara thought for a few moments. His finger tapped his chin idly, eyes downcast, watching the steam rise from his cup of tea. "Is this happening here?"

She shook her head gravely. "There was a report of a similar attack in Seireitei, however just one. Mostly, it does happen in the living world. That's what worries us, that such an enemy can travel freely."

"I will look into it. Perhaps I will shadow a few patrols, see if I can run into one of these assassins myself. Until then, have you tried using your Bankai to see if they reside in the same dimension?" He asked curiously. He doubted it, knowing how reluctant she was to resort to such an extreme measure. He couldn't blame her.

"No. Not yet." She said simply, rising from the table. "I will keep in contact. Please, let me know as soon as you find something."

Standing as well, he walked her to the door. "Please, be careful and thank you for the information. This should prove to be very interesting." He watched the Captain leave, glancing over his shoulder to see his feline companion saunter into the main room of the shop and sit down beside him.

"Are we going hunting tonight?" She asked, looking up at him with bright yellow eyes.

"Indeed we are."

"You're awfully grouchy." Urahara complained, closing the main door to the shop and securing it for the night.

"Well gee, I wonder why? Could it possibly be because you dragged me out hunting for five hours in the middle of the night and we didn't find so much as a grasshopper?" Yoruichi retorted hotly, hands on her hips.

"That's not my fault!" He defended, pouting as he crossed his arms over his chest. His clogs clacked on the reed floor softly as he walked over. "You just need to relax. Glass of warm milk, hot bath, maybe one of my world famous back massages?" He asked, waggling his brows at her.

"Go stuff it up your nose." She bit, turning sharply and striding down the hall, disappearing into the bathroom where she slid the door closed with a loud and final clap.

Urahara just blinked. What had he done? Was she really that angry with him? Most importantly, why?

Setting aside his things, he headed to his room for a change of clothes before he padded silently to the bathroom. He slid open the door and stepped in. It was already steaming, the air humid and warm. He could see her lounging in the tub, her back to him, hair cascading over the side. Walking to the side of the tub, he knelt down and looked at her.

Undemanding and serious, he set aside all the jokes. He just looked at her. Finally, she opened her eyes and met his. They stared at each other for a while before Urahara reached up to pluck a lock of hair from her face, gently placing it behind her ear.

He sat back and hooked his arms around his legs, clasping his wrist. "What's bothering you?"

She sighed. "Something that should be bothering you. Don't you find it odd that two, captain-class, former Shinigami can go hunting, looking specifically for Hollow for five hours and not find so much as a trace?"

"It's been known to happen before." He said with a dismissive shrug.

Another sigh and she shook her head. "I just think it's too much of a coincidence."

"Try not to worry about it. We'll figure it out. One night of bad luck doesn't warrant such a mood. You give up too easily my beautiful, if not sometimes furry, friend." He gave her an encouraging smile and pushed himself up off the floor to head to bed.

He felt a gentle grip at his wrist and glanced down to see. Yoruichi's long, poised fingers wrapped around it. His eyes traveled to her then. She had her head tilted back, looking up at him with her big yellow eyes.

"You promised me a back rub."

"I did no such thing. I offered." He immediately countered.

"Well I want one." She countered in return. "Stop acting like it would be a burden. I know you'd like it more than I would. A chance to put those perverted, meaty paws on my delicate, flawless skin."

"Oh, very well. If you're going to resort to insults, I had better give in now while I'm..well...I suppose I'm behind, aren't I?" He grinned and sauntered off. "Let me know when you're ready."

She nodded and slid down to her chin in the water. The warmth soothed her muscles, relaxed her nerves. Yet, the idea of an even more relaxing massage eventually brought her out. She dried off and wrapped herself in a towel, warmed by the thick air in the room. Heading to Urahara's private room, she paused at the door.

The shopkeeper lay on his back, one arm thrown to the side, the other over his head. Both legs were spread wide to take up the whole bed and he was snoring at a level so ungodly, she wondered how anyone else slept in the same building with him. With a shake of her head, she pulled a blanket over him, a contented groan given to her in response and slid the door closed. Collapsing onto her own bed, she was asleep almost immediately. No more thoughts of the disturbing problem they faced, just sweet peace.

Sadly, her morning would not be so peaceful. The groggy moments upon first waking were a bit fuzzy. Very quickly though, things came into focus. There were arms around her. Big ones. And was that...blond hair on her shoulder? The unmistakable snoring completed it. Urahara was in her bed!

With an outraged gasp, she flipped over and pushed hard against his chest. Caught completely off guard, she saw his eyes fly open as he was pushed back and onto the floor, out of sight. That should have been the first clue.

"You know," She heard from over the side of the western style bed. "It isn't polite to push a man out of his own bed."

Yoruichi blinked and glanced around the room. It certainly wasn't hers. She slid over to the side of the bed and peeked over, her hair falling over the side. He lay on his back, looking up at her. His eyes were clear, having been awoken so abruptly.

"What am I doing in your bed? I went to sleep in my own." She asked him. He sat up and rubbed the back of his head, looking over at her.

"How should I know? I just woke up myself. Or had you forgotten? I would very much like to know the answer to that question though." He paused a moment. "But, I could do without if it means this will be a recurring thing."

"Pervert." She sighed, pulling a blanket around herself and sitting up.

"Tease." He returned, standing and yanking at the blankets so that he could crawl back under them. She was unyielding however.

"Oh, come on...share or get out."

She threw herself back down onto the mattress and turned her back to him, curling the linens tight around herself. She looked over her shoulder. "No, go find your own bed."

"This is my bed!"

"That's what you get for backing out of my massage." She said haughtily, snuggling into his pillows.

"I fell asleep. I'm sorry. Would you like one now?" He offered, wanting nothing more than to get a few hours more sleep.

"No, what I want-" Her demand was cut off by the unmistakable cry of a Hollow. It was some distance away, but she picked it up clearly.

"You've got to be joking!" He threw up his hands. "I swear, they have no respect for people's sleep schedules." He grumbled, turning away from her to begin changing. She sighed and sat up.

"Oh quit complaining and go back to bed. I'll take care of this one." She said, slipping out from beneath the covers and heading to her own room to dress.

There was a long pause, then; "Like I can sleep now, sheesh. Don't you wear anything to bed?" Urahara grumbled to himself, falling back into bed. "Damn woman, no wonder I'm a pervert, who wouldn't be with the most immodest, sexiest woman living with them." She could hear him continue to complain even as she left the house.

Yoruichi came back defeated, though luckily, not literally. With a sigh, she walked into the room and fell onto a soft cushion, leaning against the table, propping herself up on her arms. Urahara paused, a tea cup hovering half way to his lips. He set it down and raised a brow, looking at her from under the rim of his hat.

"You were gone quite a while, my dear. Did something go wrong?"

She shook her head. "No. It was just a usual, low class Hollow. I patrolled a little, but couldn't find anything out of the ordinary. Nothing of what Onishi spoke of." She sighed and let her elbows slip so that she was laying with her top half against the table.

"It's been two days." He pointed out. "Not even. Not everything unfolds quickly, dear heart." At her second sigh, he let go of one himself. Moving around to her side of the table, he sat cross legged behind her. "Just...relax, will ya?"

His hands moved to her shoulders and began to massage gently. Deft fingers worked out the knots there and at the base of her neck and began to move lower. By the time he reached the small of her back, daring to go no further for fear of incurring her wrath.

Though, when he began to stand and head back to his own seat, he realized he had nothing to worry about. She was asleep against the table, her head rested on one arm. He had no idea why she was so worked up about this, but she certainly was. Maneuvering her gently, he swept her up into his arms. As cats often did to find the most comfortable position, she shifted against his chest, burrowing into him, her head rested against the crook of his neck and shoulder. He slipped off the clogs to avoid waking her and padded to her room. He knelt down beside her futon and laid her partially down, pulling back the blankets and letting her rest completely. Her arm was still around him and as he tried to pull away, she whimpered softly and tightened.

Urahara blinked and looked down. Nope..still sleeping. With a shake of his head, he pulled off his hat. He didn't lay down with her, rather sat at the side of her futon. He gently unslipped her arm from around his back and encased her hand in his own. She continued to sleep, content to have him there.

As he sat, watching over her slumber, he began to wonder at their situation. He didn't know why she was so hung up on figuring this out, but if it meant her unhappiness, especially to such a severe degree, he would have to put more effort into solving the problem. This simply wouldn't do. He couldn't stand his precious Yoruichi so distressed. With a sigh, he gave her hand a gentle pat.

"Sleep well, dear heart."


	2. Troubled Mind

When Yoruichi woke in the morning, the shop keeper was not there. She woke feeling more tired then when she'd gone to bed. She slid off the covers and stood, pulling on a robe to go find Urahara. He was in the front room, organizing papers and sipping cool tea. Looking up, he gave a signature grin.

"Well good morning!" He rose from the cushion and moved to hug her, arms spread wide.

She eyed him suspiciously, but slid her slim arms around him.

"How did you sleep?" He asked, hands rested on her shoulders to keep her at arms length.

"Not very well." She admitted. "Did you hear anything?"

"No, I'm afraid not. There was nothing from our friends in Seireitei and no more attacks that I know of here. Perhaps I should ask Ichigo. That boy is always getting himself into fixes. Seems like something he would stumble on and royally muck up." He sat back down and looked up at her. "Would you like some milk?"

"No, thank you. I think I'll go for a walk though."

Urahara opened his mouth to say something, perhaps tease or joke, but he shut it again and nodded. He didn't know what to say, in jest or seriousness, to bring her about to her old self again. He just had to trust that she would bounce back.

Several days passed without incident. A couple good night's sleep had Yoruichi feeling slightly better. She began to tease him back once more, the banter between the two friends returning to normal. The old pervert continued to try and trick her into nudeness and the tease continued to make him suffer with small snippets and brief views.

"Good to see you're finishing your dinner again. I was worried that you would waste away to nothing and I would have to find some other woman to please my eyes." Urahara felt a soft splat on his forehead and crossed his eyes to look up. "Very mature, my sweet. Resorting to throwing sushi rice? Really."

"You were asking for it. To suggest I would let my body slip...horrible." She shook her head, eyes down at her meal.

"I am terribly sorry. I won't let it happen again. My lips betray me."

"Mm, well they often do, don't they? A common symptom among perverts I hear."

"Teases often have a way of making us do that." He returned, brushing the rice off of his face. "Oh..which reminds me. Something special came with the shipment today." He unfolded his legs and stood, disappearing for a moment and returning with a glass bottle. "Plum sake." He poured her a small glass and passed it over, then brought one of his own. "Drink up. Maybe I can finally take advantage of you if I get you drunk enough."

"You know that won't work. I can hold my liquor far better than you can."

He scoffed at that. "We'll just have to see...won't we?"

The sight before Urahara's eyes was an odd one to behold indeed. The former captain of the second squad was hunched over the table, blinking at him with big eyes as if to ask; what?

"My dear...you have a milk bubble growing out of your nose." He said, as delicately as he could.

"What?! No I don't!" She denied, crossing her eyes and looking down to see that there was, in fact, a small bubble of milk. Urahara leaned over and popped it with his chopsticks.

She jumped slightly and looked back up at him, shaking her head a bit to clear her vision. "What did you do that for?"

"Did you want to keep it?"

She was quiet a moment. "No."

"You're drunk, Yoruichi. You should go to bed. Mine, preferably."

"Me?!" She laughed aloud. "I'm drunk?! Do you even know where you pants went? They disappeared an hour ago!" She pointed out, hoping to distract him from the fact that she'd been blowing lactose bubbles through her nasal passages.

He looked down at himself and blinked, having much the same expression of surprise on his face that had graced Yoruichi's a moment before. "Well, look at that."

The woman gave a snort of a laugh. "I'm not -that- drunk."

"Please, you've had a whole bottle by yourself." He pointed out.

"Then, logically the other two must be yours." That was followed by a hiccup, making her look around the room to find the culprit.

"I'm a man." He said, puffing up his chest and raising his chin to look down his nose at her. "I can hold my liquor much better."

"Bullshit!" She laughed as she stood up, stumbling ever so slightly and put up her dukes. "Try me." She challenged.

Thankfully, when he stood the green haori fell to his knees, covering anything she might have otherwise been distracted by. "I can't fight a woman. A drunk one at that." He protested.

"You've fought me before, stop being such a coward and fight me. We'll prove once and for all who can hold their liquor better."

"I've had a whole bottle more than you! Hardly a fair fight."

"Mm...you're right." She agreed, letting her arms fall to her sides. Then, quite suddenly, closed her eyes and fell asleep, standing right there before him.

Urahara stumbled forward and caught her, just barely. "I win." He grinned and scooped her up, carrying her to her bed. He only made it to the hallway before he too passed out.

"There you are!" Yoruichi woke the the relieved cry of the shopkeeper and the sound of his wooden clogs clomping her way. "Where have you been?"

Was that...anger? She opened her eyes and looked up at him. "Where do you think?" She asked with a hint of annoyance in her voice.

"Well you weren't here."

"What are you talking about?" She asked, exasperated. "I slept in my bed the entire night!"

"No, you didn't." He corrected. "Did you go out hunting? Without me?" She was relieved to see that childish pout. "It's okay, you can tell me. I promise I won't get angry."

With a roll of her eyes, she turned her back to him. "I didn't go anywhere." She said again.

"Sir, there's a captain here to see you." Tessai said from the door of the room, eyes covered. He'd learned the lesson of keeping his eyes averted the hard way when it came to Yoruichi and her private quarters, even when Urahara was there.

"Fine, be like that." He grumbled and stood, heading out.

Captain Onishi stood in the main room of the shop, waiting patiently.

"Ah, Kisuke." She greeted him with a formal bow. "I'm afraid I have some disturbing news."

"The assassin has struck again." He anticipated with a raised brow.

"Yes, though, that isn't the disturbing part. There was a survivor this time, and-"  
"Well, thank goodness for that!"

"Indeed. He was able to identify his attacker." She paused a moment.

Mistaking her reason for it, he waved his fan a bit as if to get her going again, his wrist making small circle motions. "Well?!"

"The man identified..." Katsumi hesitated a moment. "Yoruichi."

The dumb look on his face suggested to her that he hadn't fully absorbed what she had told him. He blinked once. Twice. Folding his fan closed he shook his head. "You must be mistaken."

She sighed softly and shook her head as well. "I'm afraid not. This man has never seen her before, yet described her perfectly. Hair, clothes, mannerisms....attack techniques. Unless you know of a twin sister she might have. I can't...no one, for that matter, can come up with an explanation for it. Yamamoto has asked me to try and gain your permission to have guards posted here at your shop. He knew you both would deny it and he wants to make sure before he takes action. Non-obtrusive, I promise. It would be only for the night. Thus far, no attacks have taken place during the day. If Yoruichi tries to leave during the night hours, she'll be asked to stay here. That's all." She assured him.

"Who's going to ask me what?" The woman herself asked, joining the two and crossing her arms over her chest. "I heard what's going on. I can promise you, I was here all night long, Captain Onishi." She assured her.

With a heavy, burdened sigh, Urahara shook his head and prepared to give up his greatest and oldest friend. "No, Yoruicihi...you weren't. I went to check on you when I woke early this morning and you were gone. For over six hours." He told her. "It...it isn't the first time it's happened. That morning you woke in my bed, you came in the middle of the night and just plopped down. Fell asleep before I could ask any questions."

She shook her head. "No. Absolutely not. Why would I do such a thing?" She asked quickly.

"You don't remember even being out." Onishi pointed out gently.

"I think perhaps having the extra people around would be a good idea." Urahara surprised Katsumi with the sudden statement of approval. "Then we can prove it isn't you." He said, hoping to smooth over Yoruichi's most likely very bruised ego.

Yoruichi looked from the captain to the shopkeeper. She stared at him a moment before she closed her eyes and shook her head, turning and disappearing with a quick shunpo to her room. The door closed with a final clap.

"I'm very sorry, Kisuke. Although I knew this would happen, I hoped I could have avoided it."

The shopkeeper gave a dismissing shrug. "It has to happen. I'll go speak to her and I'll see you later. Please let me know if you learn anything."

"Of course." She promised with another formal bow and disappeared herself, leaving the man alone to decide the best course of action. After a half hour or so, he realized there wasn't one. All he could do was hope one would present itself to him.

"Go away!" She growled at the knock at her door. "I might try to assassinate you!" She said with bitter, dripping sarcasm. Yoruichi was sitting cross legged and facing away from the door, arms crossed tight over her chest as she sulked quietly in her room.

"I just want to talk to you." He said reasonably, not yet opening the door.

"I don't want to talk to you!" She shot back like an upset child. "I can't believe you think I would go out and kill Shinigami for a late night hobby!" She fumed.

"I don't think you do that!" He returned immediately. "Yoruichi, please. Just calm down and think this through logically. If you don't remember doing it, then it would make sense that you're being manipulated against your will, yes?" The silence on the other side of the door suggested she'd calmed down enough to at least see that he spoke the truth. Or, more importantly, that he wasn't blaming her for what was happening. He just wanted to help.

The door slid open and he found himself looking into the deep golden yellow pools that were Yoruichi's eyes. "The fact that I might be hurting allies isn't what worries me, it's that I don't remember doing it that scares the hell out of me." She admitted. "I would rather die."

He laid his hands on her shoulders and nodded. "I know. We'll figure this out." He promised. Pulling her in close, he slid his arms around her. In a gesture that showed how truly vulnerable she was feeling, she leaned against him. "Don't worry, my sweet little tease. All will be well." He assured her, resting his stubbled cheek against the top of her head. "All will be well...."

A rukus in the middle of the night woke Urahara with a start. He'd left Yoruichi sleeping on her own futon hours ago and retired to his own bed. Yoruichi was arguing something and two male voices, trying to stay calm and polite, were gently refuting her.

Pulling on his silk robe, he stepped outside to see the two Shinigami that had been posted by her door with their katanas drawn. "All I want is a glass of milk. Either you go get it for me or I'm going to go get it." She growled, her yellow eyes flashing with indignant anger. She saw him from the corner of her eye and turned to look at him pleadingly. "Urahara, please. I'm in my right mind, awake and alert. I'm not going to go kill someone, I just want a damn glass of milk!"

Raising his hands calmingly, he stepped toward the high tension group. "It's alright. I'll take her to the kitchen. You guys can even follow if you're that bored. I don't think a glass of milk is going to hurt anyone, unless it's old. Then, well, she goes on a rampage you see. Something about the horrible blasphemy of letting milk go bad." The two men just looked at him. "Okay, perhaps not a good time to crack _that_ particular joke." He mumbled under his breath, thanking the woman by the elbow and leading her through the dark and silent house. The two guards followed a bit of a distance behind, giving them some semblance of privacy.

Sitting her down at the low table, he retrieved her a glass of milk and sat down beside her. She cupped the glass in her hands like one would a hot drink and just looked down at it. "Am I that dangerous?" She asked, looking up at him through long, dark lashes.

He shook his head. "We both know that it can't possibly be you doing this. They just don't know that. They're making sure. I don't like it either, but I can't blame them, can you?" He asked gently, looking at her evenly.

"No, I suppose not. It just seems that suddenly I'm a criminal. I don't think I like that feeling very much, Urahara."

Leaning in, he slid his arm around her shoulders and pulled her close to kiss her forehead. "I know, dear heart. It will all be over soon. I promise that my entire day tomorrow will be devoted to figuring this out. You know how sly I can be. When I put my mind to something...I figure it out." He assured her.

Yoruichi was silent a moment before letting loose a long, drawn out sigh as she laid her head on his shoulder. "I know you do." Though, her tone suggested a little less confidence than she would have liked. It was hard to build up such a feeling when it was your life in the balance. She had no doubt that the higher ups in Seireitei would kill her if they found out that she was the one doing this and she doubted Urahara could stop them with that.

Milk forgotten, she leaned against him for a while. The guards were nowhere to be seen, but she knew they were there. "I'm ready for bed." She whispered, raising her head once more. With a curt nod, Urahara disposed of the milk and followed her back down the hallway. Much to his surprise, she turned into -his- room rather than her own. It must have thrown off the two Shinigami as well, as they started and began to charge into the room. With a hand on the closest one's chest, he raised a brow.

"Where do you think you're going?"

"To follow her." He balked, confused.

"She's in my room. No one said you could go in there. I'll keep an eye on her. Both, in fact." He grinned and winked before sliding the door closed in front of his face with a final clap. He turned to find her already under the covers, in the middle of the bed no less. "What are you doing?"

"What does it look like? I know you're night vision is bad, but surely it isn't -that- bad."

"It looks like you're in my bed."

"Go get a cookie." She said sarcastically. "I'm sleeping here you nitwit."

"I see." He slid off the robe and under the covers on the very edge of the bed. "Well, can I at least have half of my own bed?"

"Actually, I was thinking we could both use all of it."

His eyes snapped open. She was mere inches away from his face, staring into his eyes. Her head tilted the last inch or so to bring their lips together. Naturally, he returned the kiss with vigor, bringing a small and surprising sigh from Yoruichi.

He pulled away gently as her hand moved to his shoulder. Her bare touch was electrifying. "Is this what you want?" He asked carefully.

"You pick now to be a gentleman?" She asked with a raised brow. "For once I'm not teasing, I'm giving and you aren't taking? I've wanted this for a long time but I suppose I was afraid that you would look at me differently. That something would change between us. Someone's heart would get broken."

"Now, let's not get hasty here. I never said I wouldn't do any taking. If you really are sure this is what you want, I'll be doing much taking tonight." He grinned, eyes sparkling. "And I won't look at you differently. I promise. I'm sure I'll be more of a pervert when I know I can get what I want, but I won't break your heart. I've known you for centuries. If I'd ever had the thought that you weren't the woman for me, I would have set that boundary a long time ago, Yoruichi. I've mostly wanted you to be comfortable. I've waited a long time. I would have waited a lot longer. You're worth it."

"Such a pervert...but a sweet talking one." She breathed before taking his lips again. When she rolled onto her back he followed, blanketing over her.

"Mm, but it got me what I wanted, didn't it?"

Grinning, she just kissed him and the troubles that worried at her mind melted away, if only for a short time.

She woke to perhaps the second sweetest sight she could have imagined. A long stemmed white rose lay on the pillow beside her, resting over a rolled up piece of parchment tied with a silk ribbon of a deep red. The elegant scrawl on the paper didn't seem to fit Urahara but she knew that it was his.

_Tease,_

_Fixing your life. Be back tonight._

_Pervert_

She couldn't help but smile. What was she expecting? Some romantic love letter filled with flowery phrases and promises of lifetimes together? Had that been what she read she would have worried she'd broken him.

Pulling on her clothes, neatly laid out for her on the chair where his own usually rested for the next day, she made the bed. She was setting and smoothing out the last pillow when she heard something odd from the hallway.

"Miss Shihoin, how-" A sound equivelant to two bodies hitting the floor could be heard just outside the door, making her stand upright quickly. She noted in a moment that Benehime was gone, with Urahara of course. Oh well, it was worth a try. Readying herself for a fight, shunpo carried her quickly to the door just as it slid open. Unprepared for what she was about to see, she just stood, stunned, as she stared into her own face.


	3. Pieces of the Puzzle

A stabbing pain in her side brought Yoruichi into action and out of shock. Jumping back, she produced a small blade from the arm of her shirt. Whoever, whatever, it was, looked exactly like her. It was as if she were looking in a mirror with it's own thought process.

"Who are you?" She asked, yellow eyes locked on her opponent. She wouldn't be caught off guard a second time.

"I'm the one who is going to bring and end to the great God of Flash." A wicked grin followed the sure statement. "With the meddling shopkeeper gone, Seireitei will no longer have the strong foothold in this world. No longer have the allies that they so value, whether they realize it or not. If you had not brought the substitute Shinigami there, they would never have figured out Aizen-sama's plot and it would have been too late. He is not pleased with the two of you."

Her heart clenched at the suggestion that Urahara had met his demise. However, her rational mind kept her calm. He would be a lot harder to take out of the picture than that. "Well, that's too bad, isn't it? You won't find me very easy to knock off." She gave the look alike a grin of her own. "They don't call me the God of Flash for nothing." She pointed out, using her unique skill to come up behind the woman and slash her over the back.

When the opponent turned to face her, she was no longer looking at her own visage, but that of Urahara's. She pushed herself out of the shock faster than the first time, taking a step back.

"Ah, your lover is the weak spot, how cliché." The Urahara-look-alike rolled his eyes. Yoruichi jumped back into the hallway in time to miss being stabbed a second time. A side step down the hallway, followed by a flash into the main room and outside. Most people would be behind her by a second or two, but the assassin was there right away. She had to shunpo again rapidly to avoid a blade through the heart. A jump off the wall of the shop had her on the neighbor's roof. With a quick jump, she retaliated with her own attack, feeling the satisfying give of cloth and flesh as her blade hit it's target. The cry of pain that followed certainly sounded like Urahara, but she knew better.

This wasn't Urahara and she couldn't afford to think otherwise. Her life was at risk and probably Urahara's as well. Another shunpo and she attacked from the opposite side. This time, the assassin was ready for her. He turned and blocked the strike with a kick to her wrist. The blade went skittering off the roof and out of sight. With a curse, she jumped back while searching for another blade.

There wasn't any need, however. The assassin Urahara stopped in mid step and glanced around. Quite suddenly, he jumped off the roof and disappeared. Yoruichi just stood on the roof, surprised. What could be more important than killing her? The assassin certainly made a point of showing and telling her how important her demise was.

With a hiss of pain, she looked down. She brought her hand up to the wound and found blood on it when she drew it away. Shaking her head gently, beginning to feel dizzy, she jumped off the roof and walked back inside the shop where she promptly collapsed.

"Yoruichi...wake up. Milk! I have milk!" She heard Urahara bribe. She opened her eyes to see him let out a long sigh. "You're awake...thank goodness. I thought maybe they'd hit something important."

"What happened?"

"You passed out. I can't believe how weak you are! One little flesh wound, only five stitches and you pass out from blood loss?!"

"Forgive me, I was jumping around and fighting for my life!" She said sarcastically, the bite in her voice clear.

"My my, aren't you feisty for a mortally wounded person." He grinned. "How are you feeling?"

"I feel fine."

"Good...I was worried about you." He stood from his spot beside her, brought her a glass of water.

"Oh, please." She rolled her eyes.

Sitting at her head, he scootched forward and raised her a bit. With her leaning back against his chest, he gave her the water. One arm rested around her stomach as he looked down at her. His free hand brushed back her hair. "I was." He reiterated. "I came home, expecting to find you taking a bath, or lounging in my bed and I find you on the floor, in a pool of your own blood." His voice was unusually low. It was...comforting that way.

"Really? You were worried? Honestly?"

"Yoruichi." His fingers gently brushed against her chin, urging her to look up at him. "I was worried. I've never been more so in my life. You've been in fights before, we both have. We've both been gravely wounded since knowing each other but when I walked in the shop today..." He paused for a moment. "Something has changed. I didn't immediately think; wow, that's bad but nothing that won't heal, nothing that she hasn't had before. My first thought was; she's dead. I missed it. I couldn't protect her. Can you imagine that? Me, feeling the need to protect a former and very capable captain of the thirteen court guard squads." He gave a short laugh and brushed his fingers down the side of her face. "It wasn't until you opened up to me that I realized just how in love with you I was. It was always there, like a lake behind a dam that's broken."

Yellow eyes blinked up at him, speechless. "I'm sorry, little tease. I'm sure you weren't looking for something like this. A fling here and there, a night or two of stress relief when you need it. Time to forget. I just felt the need to tell you once, I'll shut up after this, I promise."

Yoruichi continued to look up at him, head rested in the crook of his arm. Setting aside the glass of water, she hooked her hand around his neck and brought him down to her, kissing him lightly. "If you never say something that flowery, beautiful and completely mushy to me again, I'll tease you till you explode." She threatened.

With a grin and wicked twinkle in his eye, he kissed her long and hard, pulling her fully onto his lap and holding her there, tight in his arms.

Sadly, the comfort wouldn't last the night for Yoruichi. Urahara's loud snoring woke up abruptly, making her jerk in his arms. He had leaned back against the wall and fallen asleep like that, with her in his lap. She could hear the soft sound or rain pattering against the roof and window. Carefully disengaging herself from his embrace, she slipped on one of the shirts he had laying around, the green garment falling almost to her knees. Stepping onto the back porch, she watched the grey night fall from the sky.

Usually not one for rain, she braved it tonight, stepping out into the heavy downfall. She was almost immediately drenched from head to two. She could feel her hair plastering against her skin and the now wet shirt as it fell down her back. Whatever worry or pain hadn't been soothed away by the rare moment of romance brought out of Urahara fell away from her now. Closing her eyes, she simply stood.

"Gods. That. Is. Hot." She heard Urahara's lust filled voice practically oozed from off the porch.

She snapped open her eyes to glare at him.

"What? It is. I can't help it. Blame the male testosterone, but it is a beautiful picture. You standing there in the rain with -my- shirt plastered to your body like that. My Tease, you are slipping for that leaves little to tease the imagination with at all." He informed her, matter of factly.

"You were supposed to be sleeping. I didn't have the intention of teasing you at all."

"Well then take it off."

"No."

"Tease."

"Don't make me say it." She growled, half playfully.

Stepping off the porch, he walked through the rain to meet her, standing at arms length. Then, very slowly, he began to raise his arm, fingers splayed wide as they went for her breast. Before he could reach it, she slapped his hand away and rolled her eyes, turning her back to him. "Pervert." She finally finished. Not a moment later she felt his hands on her bottom and a wickedly exaggerated laugh in her ear. With an indignant gasp, she turned to face him, slapping his stubbled cheek.

He blinked and looked at her in shocked surprise. Wether it was feigned or not, she couldn't tell. For a moment, she thought she'd gone to far in their play. Then, just when she was about to apologize, he grinned and encased her in his arms around the middle, picking her up against him. "See...I told you nothing would change." He winked.

She rolled her eyes and brushed his wet hair from his eyes. It was so rare that the world got to see them from under his hat and hair. "Good. I was afraid you might loose your touch." She teased, hoping to get a rise out of him again.

"I don't need a touch with women anymore. I've got what I want so all I have to do is keep impressing you. I was never really able to do that from the start, so it should be easy."

"You can impress me by taking me inside so that I can dry off and go to sleep."

"Sleep? Sleep is over rated." He grinned, though he did take her back inside.

When they told Katsumi the news, she seemed less than pleased. Hitsugya-Taichou was with her as well, which perhaps should have been an indication that something was amiss. She was, of course, pleased to find out that an ally of Soul Society was not to be blamed, but that in itself was cause for more worry.

"We believe the assassin has somehow gotten through the Senkai gate into Seireitei. A group of men from the 11th squad, no less, are missing. It's possible they went out drinking and have yet to report in, but they have been missing for sometime now. Of course, as time goes on it becomes less and less likely that they're sleeping off alcohol."

"The normal establishment they frequent has not seen them since the night before last, either. It seems odd that they would suddenly change their night spot." Toushiro added.

Yoruichi glanced at Urahara from across the table. "I wasn't able to find out very much from the assassin herself...himself. I don't really know which. Whoever it was, they were very, very good. Aizen sent them, another attempt to divide the Thirteen Court Guard Squads it would seem."

Urahara nodded in agreement. "I'll see what I can do today about finding a way to possibly track this assassin down. At least figure out what it is. They say knowing is half the battle, yes?"

"Half the battle is death, and that's what we're going to get if we don't stop this before it gets really messy. If we can't find this assassin, how are we supposed to keep them out of places it shouldn't be? How do you track an enemy you can't see?" Onishi asked gently.

"I don't think they're using some sort of invisibility or image deception such as Aizen's zanpaku-to. They are just very good at Shunpo. Very good." She reiterated. For a woman as skilled in that art as she was to say such a thing, she hoped, meant that it wouldn't be taken lightly.

The young captain nodded curtly, blue eyes ever serious. "We will keep that in mind. Just knowing that will do a great deal in our efforts to curtail this assassin. Thank you both for your time. If you find anything else out, please, let us know as soon as possible."

Urahara and Yoruichi escorted the two captains to the door. Leaving Tessai to mind the shop, they headed into the more private back rooms to talk.

"On the one hand I'm relieved they don't think its me any longer, but part of me wishes it was. Then, at least, they would know what they were dealing with." She admitted as she slipped down onto a cushion, crossing her legs in front of her.

Urahara laid down beside her and rested his head in her lap. Looking down at him in surprise, she silently decided she would allow such a thing, unable to resist the boyish grin that looked up at her, the sparkling eyes from beneath the shadow of the hat.

"Between us and all those smart captains in Seireitei, it won't take long to figure this out and return things to normal. You'll see. All we can do is aid now, however. It's mostly up to them."

"Perhaps we should go help them?"

Urahara shook his head gently. "No, you perhaps. Not me. I belong here now. I'll help however I can but I don't plan on making any trips. It might be a good idea to send the brilliant and beautiful god of flash if things really get down to the wire."

"Well, let's just see what happens. I still have a bit more healing up to do and you have a lot of research that needs to be done." She pointed out, looking down at him with a stern look that she hoped would persuade him to get to work.

"You look so sexy when you try and do that." He said in his infuriating way. "Dear, dear Yoruichi. You amaze me with your beauty and grace in everyth-"

She cut him off with a finger on his lips. "You're being sweet now, not a pervert. Though, if you get much more sappy it might turn back around to perversion." She mused with a small smile. She continued to contemplate where that line might be until she felt his teeth nibbling at the pad of her finger.

"All I have to say is that if it weren't for this insane assassin, we might never have realized that there was more to our perversions and teasings than we thought. We might have gone on forever playing cat and mouse." He pointed out happily.

"Who said those games were going to stop?" She asked with a wicked grin.

"Tease."

Flipping his hat off his head, she continued her wicked grin, yellow eyes gleaming with mischief. "Pervert."


End file.
